Your mom asks you for something bold and it feels like some sort of sick power move, rather than an actual need on her part. Maybe she asked you to cancel your prepaid tropical vacation plans because she needs to be home, just in case she wants to drop by for a visit. Or maybe she asked you to call her every day at a certain specific time to chat when she knows you are busy at work. Whatever it is she asks of you, it’s not a need. Nevertheless, she frames it like it’s life or death.
You know it would be easier to just go along, like you usually do. Because you know already what will happen if you refuse. But you can’t but feel the sick heaviness of resentment building up in your gut for years, if not decades. You can’t take this bitterness anymore it’s swallowing you in like a blue whale yawning underwater.
So, you brace yourself and take a deep breath. And then a few more deep breaths for good measure. And you tell your mom no.
The air changes.
It’s not explosive. It’s quieter than that. Just a flicker of a pause just long enough to punish you.
“Oh.” She says.
A sigh. A cold tone. A deliberate, yet oddly delicate, eyebrow raise designed to sucker punch you.
And suddenly, you’re five years old again. Wanting to explain yourself, but you know it will be of no use. You just want to avoid angering her. You want her to see you as the ever-elusive good daughter.
Even now, as a grown woman, the unspoken words slam you. Every time you try to set a boundary, you feel like a traitor. A monster. An ungrateful loser. It might be hard to set boundaries with anyone — but with your mom? She’s the final boss of boundary crossers in this video game called life.
But how did it get this way? Aren’t mothers are supposed to be sacred? Untouchable? That’s what Hallmark tells us, at least.
But what if your mother is different? What if she’s the one crossing all the lines? What if protecting your own peace means disappointing the one woman you were told you could never say no to? And what if that meant that disappointing her makes you feel worthless?
If you’ve been there (or you’re still stuck there) this one is for you, friend.
Why Boundaries with Toxic Mothers Make Us Feel ICKY.
There’s a reason setting boundaries with your mother, especially if she is toxic, doesn’t feel good. It feels like betrayal. Like gloom. Like shame.
From the moment you could talk, you were expected to cherish her. Honor her. Listen to her. You were taught that her moods mattered more than yours, her approval was survival, and your silence was love. And up until a certain point, your very survival depended on following those expectations. Without mother we would starve. We would be deprived of physical affection and shelter. So of course, as a child you instinctively complied.
And if she was the type of mother who insisted you put her needs above hers, you had no choice but to comply. Maybe a few times you tried saying no as a toddler and that lead to unspeakable punishment, whether verbal or physical. So, you surrendered your bravery and complied, so not to lose out on the very precious food and shelter that you required to survive.
But maybe one day, when you were older, you felt brave enough to try again and say no to mom. Of course, her reaction was the same as when you were a toddler. Unspeakable punishment. But this time something was different. This time your body responded like you’ve committed a crime, only your mind knew that not only it was not a crime, but that you logically do not need your mother for survival, But the feelings were still there. Back when were no longer a helpless child you had no choice. But now you have a choice and that dichotomy is what is causing you to feel horrific guilt and confusion.
But guess what? It’s not just guilt and confusion.
It’s all of that and more wrapped up in a pretty little giftbag called grief.
Grief for the mother you wish she could be.
Grief for the little girl or boy who never got to feel safe, even in the arms that were supposed to protect her.
With toxic mothers, the relationship often becomes a twisted performance, where your worth depends on how well you play the role of the good daughter. Obedient. Forgiving. Available. Quiet. Needing nothing, except everything she shoves upon you.
And when you try to rewrite the script, she doesn’t just resist. She punishes. Sometimes brutally. Sometimes with passive jabs. Sometimes by turning the entire family into the judge, jury, and executioner against you and exiling you.
What Toxic Mothers Do When You Set Boundaries
The moment you draw a line, she starts looking for ways to stomp all over it. To set it ablaze. To erase it.
Sometimes it’s subtle. A backhanded comment wrapped in concern:
“Wow. You’ve changed. I just hope you’re not getting too full of yourself.”
Or
“Are you dating/marrying that person you are in love with because you have low self esteem and feel like you don’t deserve a good partner?”
Sometimes it’s guilt disguised as love.
“I guess I’m just the worst mother in the world, huh?”
Sometimes it’s rage. Sometimes it’s silence. Sometimes it’s a full-blown smear campaign where you’re painted as the selfish, ungrateful daughter who turned her back on family.
Whatever form it takes, the strategy is the same:
Make you question your right to protect yourself.
She might weaponize your past mistakes or your flaws.
She might involve other relatives to gang up on you.
She might flip the script so convincingly that you start to wonder if you’re the narcissist.
And that’s the point, to confuse you just enough to pull you back in. To make the discomfort of enforcing the boundary feel worse than the pain of breaking it.
But just because she doesn’t like the line you’ve drawn doesn’t mean it doesn’t belong there.
Boundaries are not mean. Boundaries are not betrayal.
They are meant to protect you and heal you. And protection and healing is something we all deserve. And that means you too.
How to Set the Boundary Anyway
You don’t need the perfect words.
You sure as heck don’t need her permission.
And what you also don’t need is to prove that she’s toxic to her or anyone else to justify protecting your peace.
What you do need is clarity.
Not on how she’ll react, but on what you’re no longer willing to tolerate.
Start small if you need to:
“I’m not available to talk about that.”
“I’m stepping away from this conversation.”
“I won’t be attending.”
“That topic is not open for discussion.”
“I’m not explaining myself.”
She’ll probably push back. Maybe instantly. Maybe with a fake smile. Maybe with silence so sharp it feels like punishment. She might even go ballistic. That’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong, that’s a sign the boundary is pushing up against something toxic.
Because a healthy person hears a boundary and adjusts. They might feel uncomfortable at first, but they get over it because they love you and want a happy relationship with you.
A toxic person, however, hears a boundary that’s their cue to attack. Your boundary is an insult to their ego and they must protect their precious ego at all costs. But guess what? Their ego is not your problem.,
If your voice shakes, state your boundary anyway.
If your heart pounds, state your boundary anyway.
If your palms sweat, state your fricken boundary anyway!
If the guilt creeps in after, remind yourself of this: guilt is not a reliable sign that you did something wrong — especially when you’ve been trained to equate compliance with love.
And at the end of the day, you need to decide which icky emotion you prefer to live with. Guilt? Or resentment?
Guilt is temporary. It fades. Resentment gnaws at your very soul until you put a boundary in place to stop it.
So, I choose to live with guilt. I hope you do too.
You Might Feel Guilty, But That Doesn’t Mean You’re a Bad Daughter or Son
You are not ungrateful.
You are not the drama.
You are not the villain just because you finally said no.
Being a good daughter does not mean being a punching bag for someone else’s emotions. It doesn’t mean going with the flow just because it comes from the woman who gave you life. Blood doesn’t entitle anyone to your peace of mind.
Maybe she raised you. Maybe she fed you. Maybe she did her best. Maybe she carries trauma from her own childhood. Maybe she was a single mother who struggled and endured unbelievable stress.
All those things can be true. But they are still not permission slips to violate your boundaries.
Don’t Shrink Yourself to Make Her Comfortable.
Setting boundaries is just the first step of this winding maze. There are so many other beautiful, but difficult, steps to be taken after this.
The harder part is untangling all the internal scripts that made you believe you didn’t have the right to set them in the first place. The next step after that? Rewriting those scripts so they serve you. Use those scripts to build the vibes you want for yourself and for your life.
That’s why I created the Emotional Recovery Journal: a 30-day guided practice to help you rebuild your sense of self, reconnect with your voice, and start healing the deeper wounds toxic family dynamics leave behind.
It’s not about blaming. It’s about breaking free.
The journal will be available for free download soon.
Until then, take a deep breath, hold your ground, and remind yourself:
You deserve your boundaries. Even with your toxic mom.